So The Scientologist Says "What if I stab you in the eye with an ice cream cone and yell ice cream? WHAT THEN?"

After an interesting encounter outside the scientologists
hive on Younge Street with Jan and Ali I decided to do some investigation. These fellows are so generous they supply a personality test that “would normally cost you $500.00 and up. It is offered to you here free of charge as a public service”. Gee golly what nice folks! I filled out my info as honestly as possible including my phone number which contains a special message for them (Nut-Jobs). Strangely they wish me to pick up my test results but alas there are no locations in Afghanistan for our hero alpaca farmer Old Mother Hubbard. But they’re nice enough to show me my results online huzzah! You have to go through a barrage of soul searching questions like Do you get occasional twitches of your muscles, when there is no logical reason for it? (Who doesn’t?) Are your actions considered unpredictable by other people? (Wow you’re in my head get out! get out! Get out!) Is your voice monotonous, rather than varied in pitch? (Of course I don’t want to scare the alpaca’s). Would the idea of inflicting pain on game, small animals or fish prevent you from hunting or fishing? (Can you say incentive?) Does an unexpected action cause your muscles to twitch?(Yes you’ve obviously never farmed the dangerous unpredictable alpaca). Do you resent the efforts of others to tell you what to do? (Who the fuck do you think you are!) Is your life a constant struggle for survival? (I’m a friken alpaca farmer from Afghanistan what the hell do you think?) Do you sometimes give away articles which strictly speaking do not belong to you? (It’s the gift that keeps on giving) Are you sometimes considered forceful in your actions or opinions? (I get the job done what are a few broken bones. Nough said) Do you bite your fingernails or chew the end of your pencil? (mmm woody goodness) If we were invading another country, would you feel sympathetic towards conscientious objectors in this country? (All will be crushed by the iron fist of Old Mother Hubbard). Are you a slow eater? (I can see why this would be important. If you don’t eat quickly enough they have to increase the dosage of meds hidden in your food). Would you use corporal punishment on a child aged ten if it refused to obey you? (Get out the strap!) Do children irritate you? (sure do why do you think my cupboard was bear?) Are you ever ill at ease in the company of children? (They can stare into my soul! Little stinkers!).
To summarize our friend is 47 year old afghani alpaca farmer male named Old Mother Hubbard who is paranoid, hyper-aggressive towards animals and children, lies, cheats, steals, and has inexplicable twitches. What does this mean? Yes, Old Mother Hubbard is a perfect candidate for scientology. In fact if you look at the graph he’s achieved the desired level of aggressiveness. All the next step involves is buying dianetics then paying several thousand times for auditing.